To find what can not be found | Day 312 of my 2023 Journal

To find what can not be found.

“Certainly, you have to be lost to find the places that can not be found,” Captain Barbosa says in Pirates of the Caribbean. I am holding on to that as I implode, falling into the depths behind my own traps, not knowing who I am or what I am doing, how to get back on track, or how to find any balance.

It is a radical problem, as I am currently writing a book on balance. I believe in my project and my insights, yet I sometimes fall and fall and fall, just like Alice in Wonderland; I keep falling into a confusing darkness with rareties staring at me.

I know I have to give in to it; I know it will pass; I know it is part of the process; it is what it is. Not a sign of something gone wrong, just a reminder that I am awake and adjusting. It seems to me the hours are flying by, and I sometimes feel I have no clue, no stamina, no power.

Can balance be found in life? It is for sure like happiness. True happiness, described by the word in my language, is a word held much more dear: “lykke” - the happiness that shines with contentment, peace, and sparkling strong emotion simultaneously. This kind of happiness is not a destination; it can never be reached. It can, indeed, be aimed for, and finding balance is part of that aim.

Where happiness is like a portal we walk through that will disappear if we stop and try to stay in it, balance is a moving exercise. When you ride a bike, it isn't very easy to keep your balance if you are not moving forward at the same time. Unconsciously, balance is kept while looking for traffic or birds and pedaling along the path under the blue sky or in the rain. Balance is tricky to keep when we stop to think about it, but even harder to keep in the long run if we NEVER stop to think about it - so here is the rub.

Sometimes, we must get lost to find the impossible, allow the falling to arrive in a transformed reality, and close our eyes to truly see. Follow the stories of Barbosa, Alice, and The Little Prince, and listen to the absolute truth in the Big Narratives we love.

So I went for a walk. A long one. Looked at the murals, the birds, the squirrels, and the ocean, and when I came back, the movement had put me back on track; I had found the momentum to keep going, fumbling my way toward balance.

With love

Cecilie Conrad

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