The Humble Way Forward - Journaling December 12th, 2024

When the difference between what you want the world to look like and how you perceive it is big enough, there will be pain. 

There is no way around it. 

I have learned that, and I am usually very good at not being too attached to a version of reality, just leaning into truth and love and what is: Receiving what the Big Mystery is throwing at me. 

But what if The Big Mystery is talking, and the perceived reality does not align? This is a new situation for me, a new question, a problem I have not handled before - not with the intensity it is unfolding for me right now. 

So, come with me on yet another journey from chaos to balance, from distorted, wobbly, and uncontrolled screaming inner life to a place of peace and trust. 

Can I do it?

Can you?

I usually hold back a lot when talking about spiritual life. I am afraid, to be honest. Afraid of you: You personally (reader) and all the other “you”s out there - everyone else. 

The judgment. 

The fear stems from my mother, maybe from more corners of my personal story, and maybe it is just a general human condition to be afraid to be judged or ruled out. My mother was terrified of two things that could happen to her children, mainly the two oldest she had with my biological father: That we would become religious or insane. Or both. 

Maybe she even thought “religious” was a version of insane. 

Am I religious? I do not like organized religion, the institutions, the rules, the power flowing to singular persons, the whole thing. So, no. I am not. 

Yet - I am pretty close with God. In this modern world, we call that to be spiritual. Well, okay. In my experience, plugging into life's spiritual, religious, and Bigger Picture elements is the only way to survive the overwhelming job of being human. 

If I don't, it is like losing an arm. Or better said, a sense. 

Why are we living in a post-religious world, where being spiritual becomes so close to my mom's fear of people going insane, and why is it so frowned upon? And why am I so weak? Why don't I just shine with what I am and what I know? Will I ever learn?

I have written a book about Spiritual Life, guided existence, and the psychology of finding balance. It is done. My co-writer and I are now waiting for the Universe to send us a message about the next step, so the voluminous work is just waiting, silently, in the shade of the internet, in the so-called cloud. A version of heaven?

Doubt and fear are our worst enemies; they simply ruin everything when they take over. I usually say the distance between the wanted version of reality and the perceived one is what creates pain, but now I found a new problem. 

What about the spiritual reality when it does not align with the unfolding of things around us? I feel such deep pain, such a discrepancy, such a fear, such a restless movement inside, and I don't know exactly how to align. 

It feels like, with a whiplash of the largest whip ever to be smacked in my core and flying through the air, learning I did not do my homework: I did not meditate daily, I did not plug in, I am not stable enough for this, I am flying through the empty space with broken ribs just waiting to smash into something solid, or maybe not?

Fellow humans: I am sharing this experience from my most vulnerable place, and I am ready to read all of your stories and hear your perspectives. Please do feedback on this one; it would make a lot of sense. 

Here is the solution as I received it. 

You need to get down on your knees. You need to be humble. Remember that the ego will always get in the way unless it serves the soul. And it will only serve the soul if you are aware to keep it in place. The ego will always try to get in the way, take centerstage, and fill the room. 

On our knees, the ego has to go to a corner. It can be spiritual knees, not a question of physical position. On our knees, we can receive all the messages from the big mystery about how it all is without projecting it into a specific time and place, and knowing these projections sometimes are influenced by the ego in the corner. The fear might, at this point, be worse, the pain growing, and the combination arises to a crescendo of anxiety. Nothing will be left but to pray in the Mother Teresa style: I listen, and the Universe listens back. 

Love will always flow from that silence, and a humble me will get up from the knees, a bit more shining, a bit more brave, slightly less sore from the whip, and ready to do my part in this life. 

The ego was making the drama again: Yes - the pain was and is real, the pain from my soul being hit by that thick rope, but the ego was afraid of the pain, and that fear made it all a drama. Humble, pain is okay. Humble, the truth can crash with the reality unfolding around me. And there can be disharmony and dissonance, and I know time and space will heal it at some point. 

The key takeaway is this new level. My understanding of what a preferred reality is and what the universe's messages are to me are different. So, the discrepancy is different. I can not bend back the Big Picture in the same way. I can change my ego-powered ideas about how things should look - so sometimes I need just to feel the pain and welcome it, let it push me to my knees, let it humble me in the light of Everything, and allow it to be a bit rough this life. 

If I let go of the fear and allow for the gap, all there is left is light. Sometimes, it is a bit too bright, sometimes a bit too hot, and sometimes, the main problem is my capacity: I can take in what I see, but I can not compute the bigger picture. I can not understand what is going on or what my role is, and this leads me to another insight:

Sometimes, we have to get down to the next 3 minutes, sometimes even shorter. Just breathe. Just trust you will receive the message about what you need to do before you need to do it - and trust yourself and this life just to do it. 

Aligning the head, heart, and body, a friend of mine talked about recently - and that is it if we allow the heart to be the spiritual connection (and that is how I see it). If the three are aligned, you will be ready for whatever. And present. From there, the pain evaporates, and a sense of reality starts to hold again. From there, we can take the next step. 

Very often, that is enough. One next step. One next step is taken from the Moment, from the here and now, by the Humble Me. 

FOTO: Cecilie Conrad, Tower Bridge, London, 11.12.2024
TEXT: Cecilie Conrad, London, 12.12.2024